sunnyloquacity

hi!!!

so i haven't written in a while once again. i just keep forgetting! but i think i'll try sticking to blogging for now. as of today i've uninstalled tiktok, because well. as much as it is embarrassing to admit, i kept turning it on every second that i didn't know what to occupy myself with. and eventually i've started to hate doing that, even though there was cool content on there sometimes. if i do decide to download it again some time though, i'll make sure to switch on a daily time limit or something.
twitter (or x) has also been annoying me a lot more recently. so many stupid posts that my head hurts... i will only come on there to post art or something like that. i'm just gonna stick to using tumblr if i need content of something i like, and youtube.

anyways, i've been thinking about making my website again!!! i miss having a website so so much, and the one i currently have is very bare bones and was made quickly so that i could have a place to store art. it's so boring!!! i need to make a new one, definitely.

there's not much to talk about, the only thing i can mention is that i finally got a pair of antennae :-P. i am becoming my true self! i will invade your planet but not for war - it will be for your halloween candy.... beware of october fellas

Hello hello!! Greetings fellas!!!

So, winter break began about two days ago. It's supposed to last for two weeks, so that's awesome.
In the country, our voivodeship had winter break on the last term. which sucks!! because i was really really tired from school already, i was super burnt out so i barely even attended lessons. i have a lot of things i still need to complete, school related or not, because of that dang burn out.

on friday we went to visit our family (on mom's side) in a city two hours away from us. it was mostly grandma's idea, and none of us really liked it (mainly since our aunt and uncle and known for constantly arguing and starting fights), but we did it so that grandma won't be mad at us for the entire week. once we were here, there were some good parts, some bad. i got to eat a sweet roulade which was awesome. i'm not really one for eating dinner at other people's places, so all i ate is a bit of salad throughout those two days and the rest were just snacks.
the second day was probably the worst. my dad got super drunk, since it was my uncle's birthday, and then he did a bunch of stupid stuff. he got angry at every thing i said even though i was only worried for him and then told me it's all my fault that he and mom ever argue. i forgave him though, today he said he doesn't even remember anything, and apologized. i believe him.
later that night surprise surprise, uncle and aunt got into an argument, and that made aunt not want to sleep in the same bed as him anymore, so my grandma invited her to the place where i'm supposed to sleep. they were super drunk so they were not talking any buts or anything, so i basically had to sleep on the kitchen floor. thank god i remembered there being a blanket in one of the rooms! otherwise i would have been freezing. which, i already kind of was, since the floor was super cold. but it was fine. my bones hurt a little but it's fine. it was actually kind of comfortable!

today we will be going back home, and my friend is having her birthday party today as well, so i'm hoping i can go there somehow. she lives a few cities away from me which is the thing that's making it so hard for me to go there. i really hope i find a way of transport. if i stayed there, i would have to stay for the night, so there wouldn't be a problem with my grandma not being able to drive during the dark. but the problem sits in the fact that i didn't take my medicine yesterday (because i forgot), and i might act weird because of it, so i don't know if it's a good idea for me to go, and i don't know if my mom will let me either. it seems like such a trivial thing, i mean, it's just medicine, but unfortunately it is medicine for treating psychosis so it's not that i will just be a little off but i will be completely tweaking. i really don't want to weird them out or ruin the party. i know it's the worst if i didn't go, especially since i had a fever when there was a different birthday party hosted a few weeks back and couldn't go, but i just don't want to ruin it. i don't want my friends to not like me anymore, or not have fun at the party. i don't wanna ruin their day, so maybe it's better if i stay home at that time.
i hope they have fun though! unfortunately i'm broke as a joke and can't really buy gifts (which i feel INCREDIBLY guilty about), so i'll be drawing something for my friend's birthday.
i was gonna do it the time where i'm at family's house, but i didn't take my tablet. i don't even know why, i must be stupid. all i could think about this entire time was how much i want to draw.

i tried drawing with my mouse though! it didn't go that well, and it's all choppy, but here's my ponysona. i wanna draw ponies a lot recently.

the cutie mark is a sun because the sun is kind of my whole thing. being suni and all.

that's it for today's entry!!!

hello fellas!! i'm finally back! i got locked out of my account for a while because i forgot the password. now i made sure to click the "remember me" option!

a lot has happened. but i'll only highlight the most important things:
- i got closer with one of my friends from class, we play games together and send videos to each other which is a huge step!! i don't feel so lonely in class anymore
- i got categorised as person having level 2 (out of 3) disability (i don't know how else to put it) and i will get things such as ticket discounts and so on to help me with living
- i started expressing my feelings through poetry and art more often!
- i will get my bank card soon! i've never had one before. i'll be able to buy things on my own!

so i'd say that's a win. there's also another thing but that gets a paragraph of its own, since it's too long to explain in a list. i guess you could say i've had an epiphany a few months back.
i've started living not only for my parents and friends, but for myself too. i am actively trying to live while enjoying life to the fullest, and although depression isn't something that can be cured in the span of a few days, i am getting there. i still get sad "unreasonably" sometimes, but it's not as overwhelming as it used to be.
i'm finally healing!

also, merry christmas to everyone reading! from my point of view, christmas is almost over, but timezones and such. someone might still be having their christmas dinner right now! lol :)
christmas dinner was awesome. i gave my dog fish, and she was super shocked by it. she made such big eyes. i love her so so much. i'm attaching an image for i think the first time on this blog? say hi to my dog kira!!

she's so adorable, isn't she? she's laying next to my plushies! i love her. i took this picture today actually!
i got 15 dollars from my grandma as a gift and i'm super happy about it. i already spent most of it, as i had to buy white paint and some place to store my coloured pencils. i'd say it was a worth purchase. i'm happy with it, and i get some money left over to buy lunch at school when i'm back on the 2nd. awesome!

thanks for reading!

hello. i haven't written in a while.
i'm mostly writing for relief. venting, or something. i don't like venting to my friends so i guess a blog which nobody reads is fine.

for the longest time i've had to come to terms with the fact that i am not a normal kid like the rest of my friends. i still can't accept it. i understand i'm different, and that i'm gonna have some troubles. i try to accept that, i really do. but it hurts to see that people will forever treat me differently.
maybe if i fit the beauty standard then people would just think i'm silly instead of thinking i'm weird. i think weird people are the best, but unfortunately not many agree with me.

my own friends act differently around me than how they do around each other.

i've noticed it a while ago but it's becoming more and more obvious.
i recently figured out that they all text each other all the time and stuff. that they hang out after school. that they have similar interests and they TALK about them.
but even if i have a similar interest they just don't talk to me about it.

a friend borrowed me a book today, i read about 3 or 4 chapters in school. she talks about it with her friend who hasn't started reading yet, but only nodded when i talked about what i thought about it to her.
it's like she just brushed me off.
i don't get it. why does she talk to the other friend about it but not me when i know more about it than them? did i do something wrong? is it my fault?? i just don't understand.
it would be hard to cope with the fact that it'll be like this always, but it would certiantly be easier if i could just know why it happens. i want to know why they aren't the same type of friends with me as they are with each other. we've known each other for the same amount of time. is it my fault? am i too weird?
i don't get it.

oh.
my.
GOD.
i cannot express how boring the days are when you're waiting for an important package to arrive!!! augh!! i want to already have the 3ds so badly, it's really hard to wait.
as you probably guessed that means it did not come here today and will probably be here tomorrow. which SUCKS!!!! i was really hoping it'd be here today. （；´д｀）ゞ
i have to actually go to school tommorrow because i've pretty much recovered from my sickness and i really really don't want to. i missed a few things when i was gone for 3 days and i can bet on my life that it's gonna be hell understanding whatever i missed without someone teaching me it. i hate missing school!!
i really really hope the package gets there while i'm at school. i want to come back home and immediately be able to open it. please!!

sleeping during the day is fun. it's the time where i get the most dreams. waking up, however, is another story.
when i wake up after sleeping during the day i feel so so dizzy that i feel like i'm about to throw up. i'm almost in the state of a fever each time, and my throat hurts horribly. i guess that's the price you have to pay for doing it...
today i dreamt that i was on the island in tomodachi life. but the weirdest part was that i saw people and they were shaped like the miis. it was terrifying.

Hello everyone! it's certiantly been a while since i've been here, and i really missed writing here, honestly. a lot has happened! first of all, i'm back to school again. second grade of high school, yeah!
i've been to school for only 2 days so far, since it only just started. i already missed 2 days because i've gotten sick. sucks to be me, i guess!
well, anyways, i've been on a few-year-long journey to get a 3ds. it shouldn't be that hard, but it was for me, because i'm broke as a joke, but guess what! i finally managed to order one today. i have to give my mom around 180pln back though... i'm getting 150pln soon, i'll just need to get the 30, which shouldn't be that hard, i hope?
the 3ds is already hacked, comes with the stylus, and the charger, the only bad part about it is that the top screen is a little yellowish from long use. i'd buy a replacement screen, but i've never had a 3ds before, so i wouldn't know how to replace it myself, and i wouldn't trust my uncle with it because although he is good with technology he has bad eyesight so he might accidentally break something, which i am absolutely terrified of happening. if i broke it i would never forgive myself. especially since the repairs would be probably even more expensive than buying a new one.
the 3ds is black, and at first i found it a little hard to think of a way to decorate it, even though black goes well with pretty much everything. i thought about making it a black + white colour scheme, but that would be boring, and not like me at all. i can enjoy the black + white combo but i am not a black + white girlie. i mostly like vibrant colours and stuff like that!
besides that, i recently got a really cheap knock off handheld console that's supposed to mimic the gameboy colour. it has around 300+ retro games, it's really cool. the battery drains at a normal pace, which is nice, but it goes really fast when i'm playing, which kinda sucks.
i wanted a yellow one, but it turned out the guy selling it no longer had yellow consoles, so he gave me a black one. which is also cool.
it finally let me play super mario bros 1 again. the first time i played it was on my grandma's small button phone, it was emulated but it was still super good, no difference. however, i never finished playing it, because at some point my parents had to reset the phone, so everything was lost. but now i can play it again! i haven't beaten it fully yet, in fact, i haven't gotten past the 2nd level, because i suck so bad at it. but one day i will! i definitely will.
summer was pretty boring, but it was the perfect kind of boring, i think. i stayed mostly at home, which usually would be bad, but i like being at home. i like my room, and i like staying in it for unhealthy amounts of time.

i really really like cereal. it's perfect, for a snack, and for a meal too. i wish i could eat only cereal but it runs out quickly, and we have to save milk a lot because i have to drink it every morning. sucks!!

there's this weird habit i have, that whenever one of my friends starts liking something i dislike a lot, i stop disliking it. i just go neutral about it somehow.
i don't know why exactly, but maybe it's just my mind subconsciously trying to be as nice and respectful to my friends as it can?? i think that might be the case.. for example i never liked kpop, i used to hate it actually, until i learnt some of my friends like it. i'm neutral about it now, and i even listen to some kpop songs, but only a few. i only like the girl bands, lol. this also happened with project sekai. i mainly disliked it because of ... some parts of the fandom i'd say, but i play it myself now. no idea how this keeps happening... i guess i just hate hating something that my friends like. it hurts for a friend to hate something you like so i never want anyone to feel that way.

sometimes I come across people with names of people I used to know. it's a horrible feeling. I try to ignore it, but it's always in the back of my mind.
I don't know why it is like this. they're just names, so why do I associate them with people? there's millions of humans on the world that have the same exact name, I shouldn't do that. of course I'm gonna see people with those names often, it's only natural.
but I still can't shake off that uneasy feeling when I see it. every single time.
my brain tries to convince me that it's those people who I knew. it always feels like them. it's upsetting.
especially the name Aaron.

just a random thing i've noticed and been curious about for a while.
the question relating to it is, am i really talkative, or does everyone not like talking to me that much?
i talk a LOT. every single time i talk in a server (specifically one that belongs to my bestie watts) it feels like i'm literally flooding the chat in a way. maybe it's just because i have the font set to a big procent? i don't know, but on computer it feels like a lot too.
nobody really ever matches the same energy as mine, and i wonder why that is.
is the reason for it just me being very talkative? talking to friends makes me excited and i ramble a lot, that's true.
but what if people just... don't really enjoy talking to me?
it's been bothering me for a while. maybe they're too afraid of hurting my feelings, or are too awkward to tell me they don't want to listen to me talk so much? although i hope it isn't the case i'd accept it if it was. if any of my friends are seeing this, if you think that me talking so much is annoying, but you don't want to tell me that to face, then you can anonymously comment it on my guestbook! it's on my neocities page. i won't get upset, i promise! i want my online experience not only to be fun for me, but to the ones i interact with as well. and if by talking too much i make others not have fun at it's most potential, then i don't want to talk. i want everyone to be happy when they're around me, not think to themselves "ugh god it's that silly sunny again!! he's gonna talk and talk and never shut up again auughhh i dislike this guy greatly!!". haha. sorry for the funny example.
but yeah, some affirmation would be nice! so either tell me to face, or use my guestbook, i don't mind any of these! i just want to know to make everyone happy!